


If I Didn't Say It, We'd Still Have It

by expressdrive



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff and Angst, Just Teeny Tiny Ansgt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-26
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-08-11 02:19:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7872070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/expressdrive/pseuds/expressdrive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chanyeol sees Baekhyun glow, but he doesn't know Baekhyun sees him burn brighter than any fire in this world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Didn't Say It, We'd Still Have It

**Author's Note:**

> Written for runandgun fic exchange in 2012.

Chanyeol is set to find the one with dazzling eyes, smooth hands and a beautiful smile. He is nine when he reads a book. The book talks about a man who spent all his life looking for someone he didn’t really know. Eventually, the man did find someone he considered the one. The man called her his guide.

Chanyeol finds the book in his older cousin’s room one morning, laid out in the open on the floor. It was an old book, with pages tearing out on its corners. He picks it up and starts reading. He doesn’t leave the room until he finishes reading up to the last page.

He believes that he’s going to find that someone for himself, too. Somewhere in their city, somewhere in Korea, somewhere in this world, somewhere in this universe— he will definitely find the one.

 

 

Chanyeol is twelve when he hears his parents screaming, throwing unpleasant words at each other. He hears glasses breaking, his mother’s cries following. He hides in his room, slumping on the corner with his knees bent up to his chest. His hands try covering both of his ears, but they don’t stop him from hearing how his once happy and united family is shattering into pieces.

He remembers the book he read three years ago. He always thought that his parents were like those two protagonists of the story. He always thought how lucky his parents were for finding each other. He realizes he’s wrong and cries himself to sleep that night.

He realizes that there are things he cannot fix - that things in books, no matter how beautiful and possible they seem to be, sometimes can’t be true.

Chanyeol is twelve when he stops believing.

 

 

He is seventeen when he meets Byun Baekhyun.

He walks around their neighbourhood after class to clear his mind. It pisses him off thinking about piling school work and he wonders if his teachers even check the whole class’ works.

His friends don’t really care much of their grades, and that doesn’t help him. He can’t just go screwing up his grades like they were because he doesn’t want to upset his mother. It is the last thing he would do.

Chanyeol sees an unfamiliar boy, smaller in figure, but Chanyeol guesses that they’re of the same age. The boy gets off his bike and parks it in front of the newly renovated house’s lawn. He sees the boy smiling and Chanyeol thinks his eyes are playing tricks on him because he sees something glowing - on the boy’s shirt, on the boy’s chest. Chanyeol stands in awe across the street, watching the boy run to the front door and disappear inside. He shakes off the image of the “glowing” boy on his mind and continues to walk to his house.

When he reaches his house, he’s welcomed by his mother and he gives her a soft kiss on the cheek. He can’t help but ask about the newly renovated house a few blocks away from their house.

“Oh, the Byuns are residing there now, honey,” his mother smiles, “I met them earlier.”

Chanyeol nods and doesn’t say anything in return.

“They have a son. He’s the same age as you,” his mother adds, and Chanyeol wonders what’s on his mother’s mind to make her smile that way.

“Really?” It’s his mother’s turn to nod in response.

He goes to sleep that night thinking about the boy who glows.

 

 

The next day, he’s walking his way to school when he sees the boy getting on his bike. Chanyeol doesn’t know what drives him to walk a bit faster, as if to reach the boy before he goes riding on his bike.

“Hey,” he calls and mentally smacks himself for being so rude. His parents never taught him to just randomly call people’s attention by saying, “Hey.”

The boy looks up at him with a confused look and Chanyeol couldn’t even mouth an apology for being so rude (or so he thinks).

It’s when the boy smiles at him and says, “Hey,” in return, that Chanyeol thinks he really can’t say anything back.

“I’m new here. My name is Baekhyun,” the boy continues and he reaches out his hand to Chanyeol. “And you are?”

Chanyeol is hesitant to reach out his hand to Baekhyun but does so, anyway. The brushing of their skin makes Chanyeol stop for a moment, because his eyes are playing tricks on him again. Baekhyun smiles at him and there it is again - the glow on Baekhyun’s chest. The glow grows as Baekhyun laughs and says, “Are you just going to hold my hand forever?”

Chanyeol is far too embarrassed now to say anything in return but he doesn’t let go of Baekhyun’s hand anyway. His hand feels so smooth and Chanyeol notices how beautiful his fingers are.

“Chanyeol. Park Chanyeol,” he finally says, involuntarily squeezing Baekhyun’s hand. It makes the latter laugh more and he glows brightens and Chanyeol really thinks he’s beginning to lose it.

He studies Baekhyun for a few more seconds and feels Baekhyun’s skin touching his. His eyes are beautiful and so is his smile. Chanyeol has never seen anyone like Baekhyun before. And that is when it hits him.

Chanyeol is seventeen when he meets the one.

 

 

They meet every morning just before Chanyeol goes to school. Occasionally, they would go and hang out on weekends.

By the second month that they’ve known each other, Chanyeol is already used to the glow whenever he sees Baekhyun.

He introduced Baekhyun once to his friends and Chanyeol waited for Jongin to freak out, for Kyungsoo to scream, for Joonmyun to faint or anything that would affirm that they’re seeing the same thing as him, that they’re seeing Baekhyun glow.

But nothing came aside from Joonmyun’s signature old man smile, Jongin’s frantic hand waves and Kyungsoo’s polite greeting. It’s when Chanyeol concludes that in his group, he’s the only insane one. But it doesn’t matter anymore.

He never really asked Baekhyun about it. It worries him to think that Baekhyun might be scared of him and never talk to him anymore. Chanyeol won’t let that happen. He likes it when Baekhyun is near him. He likes it when Baekhyun talks, when he’s eagerly explaining things Chanyeol doesn’t know, when he’s randomly humming 90’s songs, and even when he’s laughing.

Chanyeol particularly loves it when he glows. Because the glow on Baekhyun means he’s happy and high-spirited. And that makes Chanyeol happy, too.

Chanyeol doesn’t know when it starts, but by the time he’s known Baekhyun for six months, he figures that he can’t go on with his day without seeing Baekhyun go on his bike or without seeing Baekhyun’s beautiful smile. He can’t go on without seeing the glow on Baekhyun’s chest as he greets Chanyeol good morning.

Chanyeol is seventeen when he realizes that he can’t go on without seeing his light.

 

 

“You love him.”

It’s been a year since he met Baekhyun and there he is, eating lunch at school with Kyungsoo and Jongin. He accidentally spits his water when he hears what Kyungsoo said.

He wipes the water running down from his mouth with his sleeve and Jongin throws him a crumpled paper. “You’re gross. What are you, three?”

Chanyeol glares at Jongin. “Shut up,” he says, picking up a tissue and wiping the remaining water from his chin. He faces Kyungsoo and asks, “I love who?”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes because Chanyeol acting like he doesn’t know what he is talking about makes him want to pour water on Chanyeol’s beloved textbooks.

Chanyeol is that type of person who studies even during lunch. He reads and reads and reads while munching on some chips until the bell rings, signaling all students to go back to their classrooms and begin another string of boring lessons. He’d just study endlessly and most often than not, refuse to go with them when they plan to have outings and neighbourhood hopping.

But that was Chanyeol before. Now, Kyungsoo sees Chanyeol eating a proper lunch, without any books around.

“Stop acting like you don’t know who I am talking about.”

Chanyeol sighs and adjusts his glasses. “Kyungsoo—”

“You should tell him, you know,” Kyungsoo says as he grabs a handful of chips from Jongin’s hold, “that you love him.”

“Why should I?”

“Aren’t you supposed to do that? What if one day he moves away?”

Chanyeol laughs and looks at his friend incredulously, “They just moved last year.”

“And so?”

Chanyeol stares at Kyungsoo like a teased kid and sighs, “I don’t know. Can I just go on without telling him?”

The look Kyungsoo is giving him tells Chanyeol that no, he really should tell Baekhyun how he feels.

“Okay,” Chanyeol says and puts down his chopsticks, “I’ll try.”

 

 

Baekhyun loves hanging out with Chanyeol. He finds him fun. How he adjusts his glasses every two minutes, how he always brings a book with him wherever he goes, how deep his voice can go, how his hair curls, even how surprised Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun every now and then, as if he were seeing something unusual—Baekhyun likes it all.

He’s known Chanyeol for a year now and, indisputably, he feels really comfortable whenever he is with Chanyeol.

One day, when Baekhyun is heading home from school, he sees Chanyeol jogging up to him. He waves at him and when Chanyeol catches up to him, he gives Baekhyun an awkward smile, something he has stopped giving two months after they have met.

“Is there something wrong?”

“Are you— can we talk?”

Baekhyun furrows his eyebrows, “Sure. What’s up?” Chanyeol looks fidgety and it worries Baekhyun. He doesn’t like seeing Chanyeol like this. He always wants Chanyeol to be the book-loving Chanyeol who loves to smile.

They head to a nearby park facing the sea. For Chanyeol, that place is his sanctuary. He loves to be there, especially on weekdays nearing evening when there aren’t much people around. He loves how the air smells like sea water and he usually spends his night reading books under the light post, sitting on a lone bench far from the main road.

They sit on the bench, talking about school and other things like how Jongin was hit by a soccer ball because he couldn’t concentrate on the game and how Jongin couldn’t stop looking at Kyungsoo when he had to dress up as a girl for a ridiculous school play; like how Baekhyun won first place in the annual abstract painting contest that day.

They talk about even more random things like Chanyeol mentioning how it’s unusually quiet at the park that day, like how he loves looking at Baekhyun for no particular reason—

“What did you just say?” Baekhyun asks. His face tells Chanyeol that Baekhyun is pretty amused.

“Nothing.” Chanyeol answers and flashes him a grin.

Baekhyun faces him and sits on crossed legs on the bench. “Liar, you said _something_. Say it again.”

Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun and he’s smiling so bright, shining so bright. There it is again, he’s glowing again. Chanyeol is so drawn to the light that he just stares and stares and stares until he hears Baekhyun say, “Chanyeol? What’s wrong?” He feels Baekhyun’s warm hand on his clothed shoulder. It amazes Chanyeol how his warmth goes through the fabric of Chanyeol’s uniform top and to his skin, giving a burning sensation on the expanse of his shoulder.

Baekhyun continues to glow as his smile brightens even more. “I—I said I love looking at you…”

Baekhyun hums in response, making Chanyeol’s heart beat faster than normal. “And why is that?” Baekhyun is enjoying this, watching Chanyeol scamper to say anything in response.

“I—”

Baekhyun bites his lower lip and pushes himself forward, and next thing Chanyeol knows is that Baekhyun’s face is dangerously near him. Both of his hands are on Chanyeol’s shoulder. His eyes are closed, chest glowing and, most importantly, his lips are pressed onto Chanyeol’s.

His lips stay on Chanyeol’s for a couple of seconds. When Baekhyun pulls away, he smiles at a surprised Chanyeol, whose mouth is hanging open.

“I like it when you look so surprised whenever you’re looking at me.” _I wonder what you see in me._

Baekhyun chuckles when Chanyeol doesn’t say anything. He isn’t quite surprised when this time, Chanyeol is the one who moves forward, his hand on Baekhyun’s nape, and kisses him. Baekhyun automatically closes his eyes and Chanyeol wonders if Baekhyun has seen this coming.

Baekhyun is glowing even brighter than ever that it leaves Chanyeol to close his eyes as well, deepening the kiss and feeling Baekhyun’s warmth creeping into his pores.

Chanyeol is eighteen and in love.

 

 

The applause given to him by the audience after delivering his valedictory speech, Chanyeol thinks, is a very good thing.

But what’s even better are the faces he’s seeing on the crowd—his mother, his father, his friends, and Baekhyun. Baekhyun is glowing, as always. Chanyeol could not really imagine how his life for the past two years would have been like without him.

Baekhyun changed him in a lot of ways nobody could imagine. He’s not quite sure if people noticed, but it doesn’t really matter to him now. What’s important is that he knows how Baekhyun changed him and he needs him to see things clearly, to see things in a brighter light.

He is Chanyeol’s light and he shines brighter as days pass by.

 

 

“You’re what?”

Baekhyun looks at anywhere but his eyes. For the past days, Chanyeol has not seen him glow. Now, Chanyeol knows why.

“We’re moving,” Baekhyun repeats. Chanyeol wonders if Baekhyun has any idea how those two words break his heart even more than the screams of his parents he’s heard eight years ago.

Chanyeol fights the urge to cry in front of Baekhyun. He swore not to cry in front of anybody anymore. Not in front of his mother, not in front of Jongin or Kyungsoo. Not even in front of Baekhyun. “But Baekhyun—”

“It’s decided. I need to be there, Chanyeol. My father needs us—me. We need to be with him.” Baekhyun looks up to him, tears staining his cheeks, “We’re leaving next week. I’m sorry.”

Chanyeol understands. Chanyeol knows that Baekhyun and his family need to be his dying father’s side.

Chanyeol wants to say a lot of things, but instead, he pulls Baekhyun into a tight hug. Baekhyun sobs into his chest, and Chanyeol presses a kiss on Baekhyun’s forehead. He whispers a number of “it’s going to be alright” against Baekhyun’s hair, letting his own tears roll down his cheek. He doesn’t let Baekhyun look up to him. He doesn’t want Baekhyun to know that he’s crying.

 _Can’t you stay? Will you come back? Please don’t leave._ Chanyeol doesn’t voice those words, because he understands.

Chanyeol convinces himself that he understands.

 

 

The night before Baekhyun leaves, Chanyeol makes love to him nice and slow inside his apartment in the city. He showers kisses onto the expanse of Baekhyun’s exposed skin, etching everything he could in his mind.

Chanyeol doesn’t want to forget this. He doesn’t want to forget the face Baekhyun makes whenever Chanyeol touches a sensitive spot, doesn’t want to forget the lovely sound Baekhyun makes as Chanyeol brings him close to the edge.

Baekhyun arches his back when he comes, mouthing Chanyeol’s name over and over again and Chanyeol follows a few seconds after.

Chanyeol slumps his body on Baekhyun, propping his elbows on his sides. Baekhyun is still panting when Chanyeol catches his lips and they kiss for the next minutes, stopping every now and then to catch their breath.

“Let’s go to sleep,” Baekhyun says, caressing Chanyeol’s cheek. His face is telling Chanyeol that he’s exhausted but satisfied.

Chanyeol obliges. “Okay,” he says before planting another kiss on his lips, “Goodnight, my light.”

Baekhyhun smiles and closes his eyes as he replies, “Goodnight.”

He watches as Baekhyun glows one last time.

 

 

Morning comes just like any other day. But to Chanyeol, it isn’t just any other morning. He wakes up to an empty bed with a yellow post-it note with two words written on the headboard with Baekhyun’s handwriting.

_Thank you._

Chanyeol is twenty and broken once again.

 

 

Four years later, Chanyeol finds himself being dragged by Kyungsoo and Jongin to an art gallery down south. The six hour drive really makes him want to kick both of his friends’ asses and really, just why did he agree to drive for them?

He looks at them on the rear view mirror and he could only shake his head and smile at himself. Kyungsoo is asleep, leaning on Jongin’s shoulder, while the latter has his arm wrapped around Kyungsoo.

Sometimes, he can’t help but feel a bit envious of his friends. He prays that they never end up like his parents, that they really do belong to each other. He looks back at them and, seeing how their hands are intertwined, he’s sure they do.

“Aren’t they cute?” Joonmyun asks from the passenger seat.

Chanyeol snorts. “They’re idiots.” But they’re very lucky to have each other, he wanted to add. Instead, he keeps it to himself.

He feels Joonmyun’s stare and Chanyeol gives him a slightly nervous grin. As they reach their destination, Chanyeol wonders if he had voiced that out loud.

 

 

The gallery hall isn’t huge but it looks exquisite. Works of several artists are displayed on white-painted walls. They decide to split up and roam around the gallery individually.

As Chanyeol walks his way around the hall, he wonders how Jongin and Kyungsoo knew about this gallery. As far as he knows, his friends aren’t a bit interested in paintings and any other things that go with it.

He reaches the oil painting section and one particular painting catches his attention. It’s a painting of boy who’s sitting on a bench with trees as its foreground. The boy has a book on his hands, Chanyeol figures and he seems to be reading, blazing red surrounding him.

The familiarity burns something inside him that it’s starting to make him think of someone he’s been trying to forget – trying, but failing, even as the years passed.

Chanyeol doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry when he reads a four-line note placed under the painting.

The painting is titled, _Burning Flightless Bird._ It upsets him how there isn’t any artist name on the note. He reads further and something clicks in his mind. It’s clear to Chanyeol that he’s the boy on the painting. He’s the one reading a book, and he’s the one surrounded with blazing red.

Chanyeol is almost too sure whose work the painting is.

“Hey.” A voice comes from behind him. Chanyeol’s body stiffens from just hearing it.

He slowly turns around and there, he sees Baekhyun – his Baekhyun, with those same eyes, and same beautiful smile.

“Hey,” Chanyeol greets back and he does his best not to choke on his word.

Baekhyun walks up closer to him and he still glows, just like how he did four years ago. He hasn’t changed, Chanyeol concludes. He fights the urge to cry and engulfs Baekhyun in a bone-crushing hug.

“Remind me to thank those idiots later,” Chanyeol says as he buries his head at the junction of Baekhyun’s neck and shoulder. He ignores the stares they’re getting inside the hall and kisses Baekhyun’s nose.

Baekhyun laughs and doesn’t say anything in return. Instead, he clutches at Chanyeol’s back and feels his warmth. That moment, Baekhyun swears that he won’t let go of him ever again.

 

 

When Chanyeol wakes up on bed the next morning, he’s greeted with Baekhyun’s smile. Baekhyun kisses him softly and whispers a “good morning” to him.

He notices that Baekhyun’s glowing again and he smiles. “Good morning.”

Chanyeol is twenty-four and he starts believing again.

 

 

_He once told me that I am his light._  
I wonder if he knows that whenever I see him,  
He burns brighter than any fire. 

_He’s the fire that keeps my light glowing._


End file.
